Harry Bonder and the Chamberpot of Secrets!
by Berty 'n Beans
Summary: The long awaited sequel to my missing story of Harry Bonder and the Scottish Icecube Machine. I will update more next month. I have a good feeling about this one, reviews please. High rating for, you guessed it, profanity,nasty images,disturbing humour,se


            Harry's last summer with the Droolies had been particularly gruesome due to the fact that they couldn't stop making a gun with their fingers and rolling out of his way everytime he walked into a room. No matter how many times they did this, they could always find something else hilarious about it. Little Drool Drop, who wasn't really little at all, in fact he was the fattest kid Harry had ever seen, would always get stuck in the rolling position which gave Harry the last laugh before he would pull out his wand and violently blasting Dementeds onto him and walking away while they gave the demented kiss.

            But all that was over as he and his friends Ron (Ronis Barishnicalfff), and Hermione (the Robobitch on wheels) were on their way to Hogwarts, School of Bitchcr- Witchcraft and Wizardry. Katie could be heard down the isle screaming very very naughty things to herself which could not be mistaken having Q Dumbledore's name in them. And Draco Trevelion could also be heard trying to get her attention and by the things he was saying the three of them could tell that he was naked and lying on a tiger skin blanket, quite repulsive indeed.

            "Muah!!! Another year of torment to the slytherins!" Said Hermione opening her copy of, "Ways to control people with a whip: A Dominatrix story".

            "That's disgusting!" Said Harry grabbing the book from her and opening it. "Although this might be worthwhile." He said pointing to a picture of a leather-clad man hanging by his thumbs in a dungeon, which could clearly be seen as Professor Snape's. Infact the man was Snape! AND WALKING INTO THE PICTURE WAS KATIE!!!!

            Ron convulsed at seeing this and his head fell onto Hermione's lap before he uncounsiously vomited all over her school uniform. She pushed him off and he fell to the floor with a thud.

            Harry threw the book with all his might out of their cabin, "Anything off the tro- CRACK!" The trolley maid's head came clean off with the force of the book mistakenly thrown by Harry. 

            "HOLY CRAP WADDA WE GONNA DO!?!?!?!" Screamed Harry. Then composing himself he coolly started to explain to himself. "We can put a wand in Ron's hand and make it look like a bad Pimp/Prostitute situation. Nobody will have to know."

            "Honestly, haven't you read the fifth "When Book Tossing Go Wrong"? I feel as if I am the only one." Hermione said superiorly.

            "I'd like to have a bad book tossing on you." Harry muttered under his breath. Apparently Hermione had heard this because she pointed her wand at Harry and shouted, "Erectus!" And instantly Harry saw that he had a massive erection, which he franticly tried to hide.

            Then pointing the wand at the Trolley Maid she said, "Servantus Repairo!" And the head reattached itself to the it's body and started to laugh at Harry who got up to get his wand but knocked Hermione over with his ever growing erection. "Damn you and your curses!" He said fiddling to find his wand.

            Meanwhile… back at Hogwarts. Harry, Hermione, and Ron got out of their car and walked down the track to find Hagentine waiting for the first years. "Hey Hag," Said Harry trying to keep a strait face, "How was your summer?"

            "Gruesome," Said Hag looking tired. "The Pimp'n Pine is beating up the nymphs again! Business is pretty bad since the Werewolves have decided to go into the trade. The nymphs have actually taken over one of the greenhouses during the summer and using as a whorehouse! Well… I gotta get these first years to the castle."

            As Hag walked away the horseless carriages came bumping down the path, accidentally plowing down Patti Patil spraying the students with her blood. Ron involuntarily vomited all over Hermione. Hermione slapped him.

            The blood drenched trio stepped into a cart and out of their window they could see Draco stepping into the same cart as Katie wearing…. Nothing  *shudders*.

"Oh another year has come  
Are these the new first years?

Sorry to all the older ones

These filthy maggots are your peers

I'm too tired to actually sort

Yet no conclusions should you draw

For I will put all the newbies

In stupid Ravenclaw

With the loss of last years house

Poor blighters eaten by the squid

Just have a really crappy year

That is all I bid."

            The crowd rose in standing ovation to the Sorting Hat's song, all but the first years who were looking slightly nauseous. They sat down at their table and the plates filled with everything from apples to bananas. But that is all that the tables filled with. Apparently the cooks were too busy to make food.

            Harry Ron and Hermione were discussing how the Queen of Bubble Wrap might try to get at Harry during the school year. They were no longer in worry about He-Who-Smells, as he was too expensive to keep on as an actor so the Queen of Bubble Wrap had to replace him. They had gotten Harry and Hermione back though, much to Shannon's dismay as she and Ron and Fred, and George, and Katie all seemed to be involved in some massive orgy or another. Ron never had to be replaced though as he was only working for a few sickles in the first place.

            The last year that Harry was at Hogwarts though the Queen of Bubble Wrap tried to kill him, and this year Ron and Hermione feared that he was in no less… could you even call it danger? The Queen was wrapped from head to foot in Bubble wrap as to protect her brittle bones from snapping. She was still in recovery from the nasty roll she took down the hall last year.

            Q Dumbledore stood up and called for attention before saying, "Remember, Get your pets spayed and neutered!" Mrs. Norris bolted out of the room. 

            The Hall emptied and the members from all the houses went to their dormitories, except the Ravenclaws who did not know where to go. Jeeves, the old Butler ghost lead a few of them to their deaths by leading them down a hall that emptied into an endless pit. He found it quite amusing to fly down after them, taunting them till their death before flying back up to lure the next one in.

            The Griffindors were walking down a hall to their dormitories when a large spear-wielding pear suddenly confronted them. 

            "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!" The pear bellowed at them.

            "Good god! The fruit speaks!" Shrieked George.

            "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!" The pear bellowed again.

            "Good god! The fruit speaks the truth!" Said Fred panicking, pulling at his hair, "What are we going to do?!?!"

            Harry, who was standing with his wand in his hand, raised his eyebrows at Ron and whispered, "Lame-o" As soon as he said this the pear violently exploded. Harry and the rest of the Griffindors jumped back, not having expected this at all. "That's a spell?  You gotta be kidd'n me" At this a baby goat shot out of his wand, bleeting as it flew down the corridor, hitting Snape directly in the face as he walked around the corner, then crumpling to the floor in a lifeless mass.

            Snape looked up with blood running from multiple spots on his face, some of the goats and some of his.

            "Oh, schist master!" Harry said to himself but at this three large brown things came hurtling out of his wand and smacking Snape in the face and smearing down it. He had really done it this time. Before he could think of anything else, "Stupify!" And they ran off to the commons room. 

            With the absense of the annoying first years the Griffindors had a massive party that lasted till the end of the night. Fred and George had set up a stand where they were selling different home-made candies. The list read:

Eretile Emerald Drops

Bertie Botts ever growing boobs/Jug enhancing Jellies (which were selling out fast)

Vomit Beans

And Giant Canary Creams

            Oliver had been given a Cream without knowing about them and suddenly the room exploded with a loud 'BANG' and a 500lb bird was sitting on the floor, "**CHUUURP!**" The room exploded with laughter and feathers as Oliver turned back into a human. "That's sick!" He screamed as he as pulling out the last of the feathers.

            M. McGonagall walked into the room and transfigured herself into a cat the entire room rushed towards her yelling, "Spay her!!!"


End file.
